Blizzards, redux

Huge winter storms have already blasted Alaska, Colorado and big swaths of the Northeast. (Ever notice that if you’re in a “swath” nothing good is going to happen around you?) I just hope we aren’t in for a repeat of last winter — though the big storms and deep freezes were easy subjects, right when I was starting to write regularly. Here are the past winter’s weather verses, with dates.

Jan. 21

Don’t drink much these days
But I’m afraid I’ll get plowed
Before my street does

Big storm was too much
For Kansas City road crews
If you get my drift

Feb. 2

The snow crews were ready for our second big blast. But man, was it cold.

My God they’re heroes
The folks behind the big plows
Beat the blizzard back

Buddha made me do these:

We truly aspire
To eliminate desire
But I need some heat!

We say namaste
On this frigid, frozen day
To warm our true hearts

We say namaste
To recognize the divine:
A breve latte

Feb. 3

Bitter cold made a few things unthinkable.

Calendar says it’s
Lunar New Year; guess I’ll
Moon someone today

Think it’s a dog’s life?
Obviously you haven’t
Peed outside lately

Would a nice muffler
Get these weather guys to just
Shut up already!?

Wife threw me over
For new-fangled snowblower
Can’t say I blame her

Please, my old shovel
Dig me out of my hovel
I lamely grovel

Feb. 4, Zero-tolerance haiku

You know it’s cold when
You curl up in your icebox
And you feel warmer

You know it’s cold when
Wild-eyed weatherman just laughs
Uncontrollably

You know it’s cold when
Birds skate across your birdbath
And they’re wearing skarves

You know it’s cold when
Waitress spills coffee on you
And you raise her tip

These ran on The Kansas City Star business page, for the area’s big corporate names.

H&R Block
You know it’s cold when
Tax man can’t stand the zeroes
On Form 1040

Hallmark
You know it’s cold when
Even greeting card writers
Can’t find a good word

Sprint
You know it’s cold when
You can hear a pin drop then
Hear the pin shatter

Garmin
You know it’s cold when
Even your GPS thinks
You’re at the North Pole

YRC Worldwide
You know it’s cold when
Every big rig’s cargo is
Refrigerated

Cerner
You know it’s cold when
Your medical software reads
Zeros but no 1’s

American Century
You know it’s cold when
Your clients’ liquid assets
Are frozen solid

And for our friends in broadcast media:
You know it’s cold when
Fox, NPR snuggle up
To try to get warm

Feb. 10

Forecast: High 40
Whoever thought that would be
Music to our ears?

Feb. 25

Buryin’ my car
Deep-six(inch)in’ my driveway
Winter, it’s baa-aack

Shovel that driveway
So I can get downtown and
Shovel my workload

Damn that traffic jam
You’d think these yahoos never
Saw snow in their lives

Bald guy with bald tires
Slides clean off the highway — ditched
Like a bad toupee

Beautiful snow, that’s
BS for short — and for long
Way too long, I say

Snowblower weather
This meets the definition
Yeah, it blows all right

Perfect second car?
A tow truck! Perfect third car?
A big old snowplow

March 14

Fat, wet, white, flaky
— The snow, not me, smart aleck —
A mid-March flurry

Hip old shoveler
Clears drive gingerly, knows he
Must avoid spring break

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