Overnight deep freeze
Makes rooftops look like my head
All covered in white
Overnight deep freeze
That faint scraping sound? Neighbors
Clearing their windshields
Sorry, but if we
Want de frost we’ll open de
Refrigerator
Hey, Mother Nature!
We love frosting, but save it
For cupcakes, cornflakes
———————————
Silver branches shake
And shiver, their crimson coat
Fallen to the ground
Bad day, the only
Bright light was on my dashboard
Saying “Check Engine”
What’s under the hood?
I’m driven to denial
And can’t bear to look
When you’re just flat tired
And everything seems jacked up
It’s time for a change
New day, can’t waste it
Stuck in “Park,” need to reverse,
Get back on a roll
New day, same old drive
But I think engine, new leaf
Both will turn over
Petula Clark, born Nov. 15, 1932
Happy birthday, Pet
Where will you celebrate it?
How about “Downtown”?
’60s sensation
You knew a place, really were
A sign of the times
But we never knew
You had a career before
Your radio hits
You were a big star
BBC variety
And the London stage
Big stir, ’68,
With Harry Belafonte
Touched him on TV!
Lots of TVs still
Were black and white, duets were
Another matter
But you stood your ground
Touching anti-war song aired
Another small step
Did some movies, too
Fred Astaire’s last dance partner
“Finian’s Rainbow”
Glad you’re still going
Living memories are the best
Till our chips run out
Keychain allegiance
Jumble of plastic logos
Whose team are you on?
Price Chopper, Dillon’s
Butler’s Body Shop penlight
PetSmart, CVS
Dick’s Sporting “Score Card”
Borders — guess I can lose that
Blockbuster fading
Keychain allegiance
My ring would be nearly bare
If it held just keys
Huge winter storms have already blasted Alaska, Colorado and big swaths of the Northeast. (Ever notice that if you’re in a “swath” nothing good is going to happen around you?) I just hope we aren’t in for a repeat of last winter — though the big storms and deep freezes were easy subjects, right when I was starting to write regularly. Here are the past winter’s weather verses, with dates.
Jan. 21
Don’t drink much these days
But I’m afraid I’ll get plowed
Before my street does
Big storm was too much
For Kansas City road crews
If you get my drift
Feb. 2
The snow crews were ready for our second big blast. But man, was it cold.
My God they’re heroes
The folks behind the big plows
Beat the blizzard back
Buddha made me do these:
We truly aspire
To eliminate desire
But I need some heat!
We say namaste
On this frigid, frozen day
To warm our true hearts
We say namaste
To recognize the divine:
A breve latte
Feb. 3
Bitter cold made a few things unthinkable.
Calendar says it’s
Lunar New Year; guess I’ll
Moon someone today
Think it’s a dog’s life?
Obviously you haven’t
Peed outside lately
Would a nice muffler
Get these weather guys to just
Shut up already!?
Wife threw me over
For new-fangled snowblower
Can’t say I blame her
Please, my old shovel
Dig me out of my hovel
I lamely grovel
Feb. 4, Zero-tolerance haiku
You know it’s cold when
You curl up in your icebox
And you feel warmer
You know it’s cold when
Wild-eyed weatherman just laughs
Uncontrollably
You know it’s cold when
Birds skate across your birdbath
And they’re wearing skarves
You know it’s cold when
Waitress spills coffee on you
And you raise her tip
These ran on The Kansas City Star business page, for the area’s big corporate names.
H&R Block
You know it’s cold when
Tax man can’t stand the zeroes
On Form 1040
Hallmark
You know it’s cold when
Even greeting card writers
Can’t find a good word
Sprint
You know it’s cold when
You can hear a pin drop then
Hear the pin shatter
Garmin
You know it’s cold when
Even your GPS thinks
You’re at the North Pole
YRC Worldwide
You know it’s cold when
Every big rig’s cargo is
Refrigerated
Cerner
You know it’s cold when
Your medical software reads
Zeros but no 1’s
American Century
You know it’s cold when
Your clients’ liquid assets
Are frozen solid
And for our friends in broadcast media:
You know it’s cold when
Fox, NPR snuggle up
To try to get warm
Feb. 10
Forecast: High 40
Whoever thought that would be
Music to our ears?
Feb. 25
Buryin’ my car
Deep-six(inch)in’ my driveway
Winter, it’s baa-aack
Shovel that driveway
So I can get downtown and
Shovel my workload
Damn that traffic jam
You’d think these yahoos never
Saw snow in their lives
Bald guy with bald tires
Slides clean off the highway — ditched
Like a bad toupee
Beautiful snow, that’s
BS for short — and for long
Way too long, I say
Snowblower weather
This meets the definition
Yeah, it blows all right
Perfect second car?
A tow truck! Perfect third car?
A big old snowplow
March 14
Fat, wet, white, flaky
— The snow, not me, smart aleck —
A mid-March flurry
Hip old shoveler
Clears drive gingerly, knows he
Must avoid spring break
We’ve had a glorious fall in and around Kansas City, and I think we deserved it after blizzards and a long heat wave. Here are some verses from summer, concluding with some celebrating a couple of breaks in the heat.
July 14
Haiku enough for you?
It’s so hot out there
Lady Gaga is wearing
Just one big ice cube
It’s so bad, servers
At Cold Stone Creamery say,
“Careful, this plate’s hot”
(And don’t sweat this one if you aren’t a Harry Potter fan)
It’s so hot I can
Disapparate and I’m not
Even a wizard
Wilson Pickett sings
The weather: “99 and
“A Half (Just Won’t Do)”
The Stones try to sing
“She’s So Cold” but it comes out
As “Gimme Swelter”
Tried to say “No sweat”
But a hot wind snatched the words,
Suffocated them
Expiration date
On everything (but this heat)
Just moved up a month
Perspiration date
On everything alive has
Been set to “right now”
It’s even torrid
On the Web; better send this
Before Hotmail melts
July 21
98°
With shade, breeze, feels like only
96°
It’s so bad outside
You keep having hot flashes
And you’re a young guy
It’s so hot outside
I’m taking panting lessons
From my neighbor’s dog
July 22
Hot off the haiku press
On baked paths, paths shift
Joggers, walkers no longer
Avoid the sprinklers
Tree, grass, bush, flower
Nature turns alcoholic
Dying for a drink
Trimmed terrier trots
Paucity of paws’ pauses
Happy haircut hound
Radiant runner
Not breathless but breathtaking
Skin shines, sweat glistens
July 28
“Heat’s getting to him” haiku
It’s so hot outside
We’re grilling all of our meals
And don’t need charcoal
It’s so hot outside
All our tomatoes have been
Classified “sun dried”
It’s so hot outside
Even all the dry ice is
Sweating profusely
Baked-brain guy wagging
Middle finger at the sun
Shouts, “Here’s my heat wave”
Done-in centipede,
On back, its final salute:
100 digits
100°
X most of July =
One well-baked product
So hot I wonder:
My lawn or the power grid,
Which browns out first?
Aug. 2
Afternoon drive haiku. High temp, 107:
Good God these numbers
Should be for FM stations
Not temperatures
So hot I should be
Hallucinating, but dang
The bank temp sign’s real
Seasonal menu
It’s not just the potatoes
Everything’s twice baked
Seasonal menu
Pat’s Burger Bar now serving
Only Patty Melts
Seasonal menu
Every kind of candy’s been
Replaced by Red Hots
Seasonal menu
Sizzling fajitas prepared
For sizzling eaters
Aug. 5
“Big drip, little verses” haiku
Grey slab speeds across
The morning sky, makes the sun
Take a too-rare break
Who ordered the rain
For this august occasion?
Must send a thank you
Oh, I’ve lost the sense
To come in out of the rain
H2(Greg)O-O!
No one else is out
Except in their cars. What’s wrong
With all these people?
Despite umbrella
My back is soaked and I know
Rest of me can’t wait
Ditch the umbrella
Mother Nature give me all
Your liquid assets
Gloriously soaked
Even shoes and socks feel good
Grant my wish to squish
Late bloomers, awake
It’s our season to become
Wildflowers in May
Stop under a tree
To scribble notes; can’t let these
Impressions wash out
Near home, the lightning
Finally shows, splits the sky
Time to bolt inside
Aug. 11
“Made to order” haiku:
August, feels like spring
This morning of all mornings
Day made to order
A shady sidewalk
Stretched out for a mile, waiting
For walkers to come
Fresh air, a clean slate
Something makes it all feel new
No expectations
Delicious menu
Ripe with possibilities
What sounds good to you?
Borodin, born Nov. 12, 1833, composed symphonies and opera, but his two string quartets are what capture my untrained ears. The second is about the most romantic music I’ve ever heard — though the fourth movement doesn’t match the first three.
Russian Romantic
Alexander Borodin
Plucked at the heartstrings
Chemist, composer,
Cellist, expertly arranged
Elements of romance
2nd String Quartet
Indescribably lovely
An ache in four parts
It’s Neil Young’s birthday
No, let’s make that Youngs’ – there are
So many of him
Heart of gold folkie
Blow the doors off hard rocker
Flayed one-note solos
Protesting for peace
Living the good Earth’s green life
Helping found Farm Aid
Movies directed
“Bernard Shakey” behind cam
That’s Neil’s nom de film
Bridge School benefits
Helping those who need it most
Breaking down some walls
Godfather of grunge
Radiohead tuned in, too
Musical offspring
And all the great songs
Tales of conquest and romance
Blinding, soul searing
Springfield, cinnamon
And sugar, sand and powder
The hurricane’s eye
All the waste of war
The toll of lies, corruption
Drugs’ dark nights, death’s kiss
The comforts of home,
Playing with good friends, old man’s
Domesticity
Showed us how to keep
Creativity’s fire lit
Don’t burn out, don’t rust
Hello, Mr. Soul
You’re still strange, all the changes
Never regret them
They plunge into hell
For us and for our country
And some don’t come back
To every veteran
A salute of gratitude
For keeping us safe
VFW
And American Legion
Your ranks are true blue
To those in Iraq
We’ll see you soon — this year! How great
Is that going to be?
To the rest abroad
We pray your day will come, too:
A huge “Welcome Home”
We wish we could end
The world’s wars, once and for all.
Wouldn’t that be fine?
Till then, and beyond,
A grateful nation will not
Forget what you’ve done
Tap into this day
That thrice goes to 11
Yes, it’s “1” louder
Apophenia:
Finding patterns or meaning
In random data
Is this day special?
Blessed? Cursed? Magical? Divine?
Nah! Just filled with “1”s
Greg's Hack-u 