Category Archives: Everyday things

Blizzards, redux

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Huge winter storms have already blasted Alaska, Colorado and big swaths of the Northeast. (Ever notice that if you’re in a “swath” nothing good is going to happen around you?) I just hope we aren’t in for a repeat of last winter — though the big storms and deep freezes were easy subjects, right when I was starting to write regularly. Here are the past winter’s weather verses, with dates.

Jan. 21

Don’t drink much these days
But I’m afraid I’ll get plowed
Before my street does

Big storm was too much
For Kansas City road crews
If you get my drift

Feb. 2

The snow crews were ready for our second big blast. But man, was it cold.

My God they’re heroes
The folks behind the big plows
Beat the blizzard back

Buddha made me do these:

We truly aspire
To eliminate desire
But I need some heat!

We say namaste
On this frigid, frozen day
To warm our true hearts

We say namaste
To recognize the divine:
A breve latte

Feb. 3

Bitter cold made a few things unthinkable.

Calendar says it’s
Lunar New Year; guess I’ll
Moon someone today

Think it’s a dog’s life?
Obviously you haven’t
Peed outside lately

Would a nice muffler
Get these weather guys to just
Shut up already!?

Wife threw me over
For new-fangled snowblower
Can’t say I blame her

Please, my old shovel
Dig me out of my hovel
I lamely grovel

Feb. 4, Zero-tolerance haiku

You know it’s cold when
You curl up in your icebox
And you feel warmer

You know it’s cold when
Wild-eyed weatherman just laughs
Uncontrollably

You know it’s cold when
Birds skate across your birdbath
And they’re wearing skarves

You know it’s cold when
Waitress spills coffee on you
And you raise her tip

These ran on The Kansas City Star business page, for the area’s big corporate names.

H&R Block
You know it’s cold when
Tax man can’t stand the zeroes
On Form 1040

Hallmark
You know it’s cold when
Even greeting card writers
Can’t find a good word

Sprint
You know it’s cold when
You can hear a pin drop then
Hear the pin shatter

Garmin
You know it’s cold when
Even your GPS thinks
You’re at the North Pole

YRC Worldwide
You know it’s cold when
Every big rig’s cargo is
Refrigerated

Cerner
You know it’s cold when
Your medical software reads
Zeros but no 1’s

American Century
You know it’s cold when
Your clients’ liquid assets
Are frozen solid

And for our friends in broadcast media:
You know it’s cold when
Fox, NPR snuggle up
To try to get warm

Feb. 10

Forecast: High 40
Whoever thought that would be
Music to our ears?

Feb. 25

Buryin’ my car
Deep-six(inch)in’ my driveway
Winter, it’s baa-aack

Shovel that driveway
So I can get downtown and
Shovel my workload

Damn that traffic jam
You’d think these yahoos never
Saw snow in their lives

Bald guy with bald tires
Slides clean off the highway — ditched
Like a bad toupee

Beautiful snow, that’s
BS for short — and for long
Way too long, I say

Snowblower weather
This meets the definition
Yeah, it blows all right

Perfect second car?
A tow truck! Perfect third car?
A big old snowplow

March 14

Fat, wet, white, flaky
— The snow, not me, smart aleck —
A mid-March flurry

Hip old shoveler
Clears drive gingerly, knows he
Must avoid spring break

Haiku enough for you? Redux

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We’ve had a glorious fall in and around Kansas City, and I think we deserved it after blizzards and a long heat wave. Here are some verses from summer, concluding with some celebrating a couple of breaks in the heat.

July 14

Haiku enough for you?

It’s so hot out there
Lady Gaga is wearing
Just one big ice cube

It’s so bad, servers
At Cold Stone Creamery say,
“Careful, this plate’s hot”

(And don’t sweat this one if you aren’t a Harry Potter fan)

It’s so hot I can
Disapparate and I’m not
Even a wizard

Wilson Pickett sings
The weather: “99 and
“A Half (Just Won’t Do)”

The Stones try to sing
“She’s So Cold” but it comes out
As “Gimme Swelter”

Tried to say “No sweat”
But a hot wind snatched the words,
Suffocated them

Expiration date
On everything (but this heat)
Just moved up a month

Perspiration date
On everything alive has
Been set to “right now”

It’s even torrid
On the Web; better send this
Before Hotmail melts

July 21

98°
With shade, breeze, feels like only
96°

It’s so bad outside
You keep having hot flashes
And you’re a young guy

It’s so hot outside
I’m taking panting lessons
From my neighbor’s dog

July 22

Hot off the haiku press

On baked paths, paths shift
Joggers, walkers no longer
Avoid the sprinklers

Tree, grass, bush, flower
Nature turns alcoholic
Dying for a drink

Trimmed terrier trots
Paucity of paws’ pauses
Happy haircut hound

Radiant runner
Not breathless but breathtaking
Skin shines, sweat glistens

July 28

“Heat’s getting to him” haiku

It’s so hot outside
We’re grilling all of our meals
And don’t need charcoal

It’s so hot outside
All our tomatoes have been
Classified “sun dried”

It’s so hot outside
Even all the dry ice is
Sweating profusely

Baked-brain guy wagging
Middle finger at the sun
Shouts, “Here’s my heat wave”

Done-in centipede,
On back, its final salute:
100 digits

100°
X most of July =
One well-baked product

So hot I wonder:
My lawn or the power grid,
Which browns out first?

Aug. 2
Afternoon drive haiku. High temp, 107:

Good God these numbers
Should be for FM stations
Not temperatures

So hot I should be
Hallucinating, but dang
The bank temp sign’s real

Seasonal menu
It’s not just the potatoes
Everything’s twice baked

Seasonal menu
Pat’s Burger Bar now serving
Only Patty Melts

Seasonal menu
Every kind of candy’s been
Replaced by Red Hots

Seasonal menu
Sizzling fajitas prepared
For sizzling eaters

Aug. 5

“Big drip, little verses” haiku

Grey slab speeds across
The morning sky, makes the sun
Take a too-rare break

Who ordered the rain
For this august occasion?
Must send a thank you

Oh, I’ve lost the sense
To come in out of the rain
H2(Greg)O-O!

No one else is out
Except in their cars. What’s wrong
With all these people?

Despite umbrella
My back is soaked and I know
Rest of me can’t wait

Ditch the umbrella
Mother Nature give me all
Your liquid assets

Gloriously soaked
Even shoes and socks feel good
Grant my wish to squish

Late bloomers, awake
It’s our season to become
Wildflowers in May

Stop under a tree
To scribble notes; can’t let these
Impressions wash out

Near home, the lightning
Finally shows, splits the sky
Time to bolt inside

Aug. 11

“Made to order” haiku:

August, feels like spring
This morning of all mornings
Day made to order

A shady sidewalk
Stretched out for a mile, waiting
For walkers to come

Fresh air, a clean slate
Something makes it all feel new
No expectations

Delicious menu
Ripe with possibilities
What sounds good to you?

Long may you run

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It’s Neil Young’s birthday
No, let’s make that Youngs’ – there are
So many of him

Heart of gold folkie
Blow the doors off hard rocker
Flayed one-note solos

Protesting for peace
Living the good Earth’s green life
Helping found Farm Aid

Movies directed
“Bernard Shakey” behind cam
That’s Neil’s nom de film

Bridge School benefits
Helping those who need it most
Breaking down some walls

Godfather of grunge
Radiohead tuned in, too
Musical offspring

And all the great songs
Tales of conquest and romance
Blinding, soul searing

Springfield, cinnamon
And sugar, sand and powder
The hurricane’s eye

All the waste of war
The toll of lies, corruption
Drugs’ dark nights, death’s kiss

The comforts of home,
Playing with good friends, old man’s
Domesticity

Showed us how to keep
Creativity’s fire lit
Don’t burn out, don’t rust

Hello, Mr. Soul
You’re still strange, all the changes
Never regret them

http://www.youtube.com/wat​ch?v=0O1v_7T6p8U

Nigel Tufnel Day

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Tap into this day
That thrice goes to 11
Yes, it’s “1” louder

Apophenia:
Finding patterns or meaning
In random data

Is this day special?
Blessed? Cursed? Magical? Divine?
Nah! Just filled with “1”s

Dave Alvin’s Folly show, redux

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Another great thing about 11-11-11 is it’s the birthday of Blasters’ alum and rockin’ blues man Dave Alvin. His latest album — “Eleven Eleven” — is his 11th and has 11 songs on it. I had the pleasure of catching him at the Folly this summer, and of trying to capture some of the flavor and feeling of that show with these. The YouTube clip is from the same tour. And these are followed by a couple of other concert batches — for a Sarah Jarosz show and the Concert for Bangladesh.

From July 9

Dave Alvin hits town
It’s American music
Rock, rhythm, and blues

He writes those stories
So real — of love, death, heartbreak
Of people he’s known

He sings those stories
Cigarettes-for-breakfast voice
And beer for dessert

He plays those stories
Electric and acoustic
With scorpion’s sting

You can taste the dust
See the waves of heat rise up
As he spins those tales

Waves of emotion
Build and crash — great work by Dave
And his three band-mates:

Silver-haired shaman
Of slide; Telecaster set
To “telepathic”

Bass man slick and tall
He could’ve been a Blaster
30 years ago

Powerhouse drummer
All the little touches, too
Like tick-tock woodblock

They rocked the Folly
KC’s century-plus gem
Right place, righteous act

It all added up
To one whale of a show on
A hot July night

Math Awareness Month, redux

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The collection of placeholders and zeros on stage for the Republican “debate” last night reminded me of these. I think they came in two groups during April, which is Math Awareness Month.

April, 2011

Math Awareness Month
Guess I could use some of that
Life’s not adding up

Math Awareness Month
If I could subtract my stress
Joy would multiply

Math Awareness Month
Division in our ranks might
Be a good thing now

Math Awareness Month
Used to know this stuff, but now
My brain’s a null set

Math Awareness Month
My checkbook balance beckons
Time to go figure

Math Awareness Month
Budget is fit when I get
My figures in shape

Math Awareness Month
Reminds us that trig jokes are
First sine of madness

Math Awareness Month
Will my kid’s trig instructor
Cosine for a loan?

I dig trig because
Every day I seem to go
Off on a tangent

Math Awareness Month
Makes me admit my haiku
Are derivative

But I wish I had
A good proof to demonstrate
That they’re integral

And pray I can raise
Poetic coefficient
To higher power

Math Awareness Month
Don’t let the geeks fool you they’re
Trying to get sum

Which are the math trees
In the grove of academe?
The ones with square roots

Angling Elvis tells
Pythagoras: You’re so squared
(Baby, I don’t care)

Life is just one big
Variable equation
Solve it day by day

“Bees in my bonnet” haiku, redux

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We’re getting new software at work, so I’m in a crabby mood. What better time to revisit haiku about some of my pet language peeves? And why is it so many of us write as if we majored in English — as a second language? With the dates they appeared, in 2011.

March 2

Business buzzwords kill
Clear thought, communication,
Creativity

Business buzzwords kill:
Misusing “actionable”
Ought to get you sued

Business buzzwords kill:
Write “be pro-active” and you
Use no action verb

Business buzzwords kill:
You want to “incentivize”?
Let’s damn your “-ize” first

March 3

Business buzzwords kill:
Don’t write as if Staples had
A sale on hyphens

Business buzzwords kill:
“Client-centric”? What’s that mean?
Just put their needs first

Business buzzwords kill:
“Customer-oriented”?
In China, maybe

Business buzzwords kill:
“Patient-focused”? How about
Helping me get well?

March 4

Business buzzwords kill:
Don’t try to sound important
Just be clear instead

Business buzzwords kill:
Do you use Latinate words
In lieu of English?

Business buzzwords kill,
Or: “Speak in a dead language,
“You Latin lover!”

Business buzzwords kill:
Will someone please help the word
“Facilitator”?

Business buzzwords kill:
Synergy’s a favorite sin
Against plain English

Business buzzwords kill.
Synergy: When fuzzy thought
Meets fuzzy language

Business buzzwords kill:
“Back in the day”? Do you mean
This morning’s meeting?

Business buzzwords kill:
And don’t mix up “strategy”
And “tactic,” OK?

March 7

Business buzzwords kill:
Don’t baffle ’em with BS
Just do some good work

Business buzzwords kill:
“Provide solutions”? I don’t
Have a math problem!

Business buzzwords kill:
Does a Teflon exec have
A non-stick skill set?

Business buzzwords kill!
Core competencies, you know:
That’s what you do best

Business buzzwords kill:
I’d rather feel the Earth move
Than paradigms shift

Business buzzwords kill:
Paradigms? Is that about
My 20-cents’ worth?

Business buzzwords kill:
Paradise? A memo with
All paradigms lost

March 8

Business buzzwords kill:
End torture now! Starting with
The English language

Business buzzwords kill:
Is your “core competency”
Abusing English?

Business buzzwords kill:
Writers’ shift to “transition”
As a verb? Bad move

Business buzzwords kill:
Use “leverage” as a verb;
Write on borrowed time

Business buzzwords kill:
De-leverage your use of
Good nouns as bad verbs

Business buzzwords kill:
How to measure the rampant
Misuse of “metric”?

Business buzzwords kill:
And what measure tells us when
“Cutting edge” grew dull?

Business buzzwords kill:
Writers who can’t kick buzzwords
Really should buzz off

Haiku saving time

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Don’t forget to switch your clocks tonight. And these are followed on the blog by re-posts from June 21st, the day with the most daylight, and with a nighttime suite I wrote back in February about things that happen, however cliched, in the wee small hours.

Spring forward, fall back
Big deal! I do that most days
Turning off alarm

1895
Bright idea first came to
George Vernon Hudson

Entmologist,
Astronomer bugged by waste
Of all that daylight

Lived in New Zealand
So there was one huge problem:
Sheep didn’t get it

William Willett golfed,
Had same thought, 1905,
To extend tee times

Germans made the switch
1916 to save coal
During World War I

Brits then the U.S.
Followed, pretty soon nations
All around tried it

Farmers don’t dig it
But sporting goods stores sure do
Maybe it’s a wash

I love the daylight
But the nighttime’s the right time
For some things, nudge, nudge

So, if I post this
1:15 a.m., will you
Get to read it twice?

Spring forward, fall back
We’re fooling Mother Nature!
No, fooling ourselves

The light that matters
It shines 24/7
In your heart, your eyes

Longest day haiku, redux

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On the cusp of the Daylight Saving Time switch-over, here are some for the longest day of the year.

From June 21, 2011

Daylight, each day’s gift
To walk in the sun and feel
Its warmth on our skin

Daylight, each day’s chance
To go around again, flip
The next page of life

Daylight, each day’s spin
Revolutionary yet
Too subtle to feel

Daylight, each day’s breath
In and out, the dance of life
The rhythm of hearts

Daylight, each day’s lick
Of ice cream, sip of red wine
What pleasures beckon?

Daylight, each day’s tricks
Of solid, shadow and smoke
Memory’s missteps

Daylight, each day’s bits
Of grit, soil, salt and sweat
Elementary

Daylight, each day’s gold
To be measured and burnished
Squeeze every last ounce

Daylight and with age
It dawns on us to cherish
Each wrinkle in time

Daylight, and today
A few extra ticks, just like
My last camping trip

Daylight, yes today
We get a few seconds more
— To be spent beaming

Wee small haiku, redux

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These came to me around 5 a.m., a day I woke up before everyone else and just imagined some scenes from the previous few hours.

From Feb. 27, 2011

The wee small hours / Street sweeper washes away / What yesterday left
The wee small hours / Streetlamps dim as if to ask / Why are we still on?
The wee small hours / When rodents and roaches do / Some of their best work
The wee small hours / Cigarette turns to ashes / Dying like the night
The wee small hours / Bourbon melts ice cubes the way / She melted his heart
The wee small hours / Action’s harder to find than / A ghetto cabbie
The wee small hours / Train whistle marks 1 a.m. / All is on schedule
The wee small hours / Siren says it’s 2 a.m. / And all is not well
The wee small hours / An ER doc wearily / Stitches up some kid
The wee small hours / Scratchy Sinatra platter / Still spins its magic
The wee small hours / Couples drunk on love and wine / Can’t tell which is which
The wee small hours / Her fingers linger on him / Take their own sweet time
The wee small hours / Cramming guy’s midnight oil / Is three hours gone
The wee small hours / Exhausted student looks up / What “nocturnal” means
The wee small hours / Scribbler sketches the darkness / With some wee small words
The wee small hours / Agnostic insomniac / Can’t believe in sleep
The wee small hours / The owner then the dough rise / At the doughnut shop
The wee small hours / Life is primitive B.C. / That’s Before Coffee
The wee small hours / Jazzercizers rise early / Slap on the Spandex
The wee small hours / Do their disappearing act / With coffee, the dawn